The 4 Major Love Myths

Through the media and normal cultural conditioning, we’ve adopted many unhelpful romantic assumptions that precipitate challenges for us in relationships. I refer to these unrealistic cultural expectations as our collective “Relationship Mythology.”

While numerous love myths exist, Western culture has given us four major love myths that form the foundation for relationship failure. Each myth is grounded in one of the elements.

​The Air Myth: Relationship Conflict Is Unhealthy

The Truth: Many people confuse conflict (disagreement) with fighting (violence). But conflict does not mean violence. Conflict does not mean disrespect.

When we believe that any type of conflict is unhealthy, we miss the opportunity to use normal conflict as a tool for deeper connection. But sharing your truth, even when it’s different than your partner’s, is required for intimacy.

Healthy conflict is necessary in a healthy relationship. Disagreement and differences of opinion are normal, since you and your partner are different people. But in order to have healthy conflict we must have healthy boundaries.

Healthy boundaries require us to not only be clear about what we want and who we are, but to communicate that truth as well. Without healthy boundaries, we either allow others to walk all over us as we diminish ourselves, or we disrespect and disregard the humanity of the very person we claim to love.

The Water Myth: Love Is Pain

The Truth: The opposite of love is neither hate nor pain.

The opposite of love is fear.

Fear that the very same hurts we experienced from previous relationships will find us again anytime we love someone new. #Baggage

That very belief is the thing that programs our subconscious mind to only allow us to get close to those who will hurt us. If we associate love with pain, we automatically weed out any potential lovers who don’t make us fearful or anxious, since their very existence invalidates our beliefs.

While love is not pain, growth can be a b*tch. Love requires us to continually evolve into the highest versions of ourselves. And those growing pains (like the pain of letting go of relationships that no longer serve us) don’t always feel good, even though they are necessary for our highest good.

The Earth Myth: I Must Be Perfect to Be Loved

The Truth: Perfectionism is just like all of the other "-isms"—racism, sexism, heterosexism, etc., in that it is a product of White supremacy. But we specifically use it to oppress ourselves. The core of this myth is the belief that we won’t be accepted as we are.

We’re taught we’re not good enough, so we either pressure ourselves to be impossibly perfect or we procrastinate when we’re afraid we won’t do something perfectly.

Procrastination and perfectionism are two halves of the same coin in that regard. We think to ourselves, Why even try, if I know I won’t be loveable enough no matter what I do?

This is one reason so many people struggle with dating anxiety. The fear of not being good enough to be loved can make us romantically anxious and can even make us avoid dating altogether because the anxiety is too great, which leads to a perpetual cycle of trying to prove ourselves worthy of love.

The Fire Myth: Love Is a Fairytale

The Truth: Our culture teaches us that love is supposed to be this magical experience that randomly find us—if we’re lucky, or if it’s in the cards, or in the stars. But the truth is, love is not fairytale—it’s much more like a video game.

The #1 reason anyone is single is because they’re trying to have a Level 25 relationship with Level 3 skills. And you only need to be at least at a Level 7 to successfully navigate the dating process, connect with a compatible partner, and build a healthy relationship foundation.

We develop the higher-level skills once we’re in a healthy relationship, but without the prerequisites, many people either 1) don’t get into a relationship at all, 2) get into a relationship that doesn’t go the distance, or 3) get into a toxic relationship that they struggle to get out of.

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Our romantic beliefs are the most powerful indicators of our relationship success.

If your Relationship Mythology includes any of the above love myths, they may be preventing you from having the lasting love you desire and deserve, since they create love blocks related to personal boundaries, emotional baggage, self-worth, and effective relationship skills.

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Amari Ice is a relationship coach, matchmaker, and hypnotherapist who helps gay men master their romantic magic by developing their dating skills, healing subconscious patterns of self-sabotage, and enhancing their romantic magnetism so that love becomes inevitable. Take the free Dating Skills Quiz to discover your dating skill level.