Let’s play a little game: I bet I can tell you a lot about your relationship mindset and experience just by asking you to pick a number.
Of course you do *wink wink*.
But warning: this might get a little real, really fast.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the strongest, how much do you honestly desire to be in a committed relationship?
Decide on a number before you continue reading.
Seriously. This is going to be way more interesting than you expect, but only if you pick honestly.
Got a number in mind? Good.
Now scroll until you see which number represents your desire to be in a committed relationship right now.
These people know that the love they want is possible for them and usually get into healthy relationships quickly once they’ve gotten a clear plan of action together and tweaked a few of their skills. Often, their openness to love makes it easier to find and sustain.
They’re generally coachable, committed, and confident that they’ll do the work it takes to achieve their relationship goals...as long as they’re clear on what the work is. The problem they usually face is simply in knowing where to find the most effective methods and/or mentors to help through minor mindset shifts. But once they encounter the appropriate tools and/or assistance, they’re all in and quickly find their way to love.
Every once in a while, a 5/6 or 7/8 will experience a moment of loneliness and say they’re at a 9/10 because the pain of being single is intense at the moment. However, since most people want to “appear” to be cool, calm, and collected, they’re unlikely to admit being at a 9/10 because they’ll come off as “pressed,” so you don’t generally need to worry that someone claiming 9/10 is being honest about their desire.
These people are actually a 10 in terms of relationship desire but have often been told they push for commitment too soon. As a result, they try to minimize the strength of their desire because they’ve been convinced that wanting love less will keep #MayBaes from running away.
The real problem is not the intensity of their desire but the intensity of their disbelief...they don’t fully believe the love they want is possible. This mindset of disbelief is the reason they will often ask for help (or purchase books, or search for ways to improve their dating skills) but will find a way to be distracted...i.e. something always happens that keeps them from accepting the information or methods that will guarantee their progress (“I work too much,” “Other people’s needs come before mine,...” etc).
Fear of their own success and the belief that they have to earn love is what causes them to flake on themselves...which is why they often date people who are noncommittal. They usually need someone to hold them accountable since they have a challenge putting themselves first. Like the 9/10 they're also coachable and commitment oriented and find success quickly with the right mentor.
These people want a relationship but have been through a lot of bullshit and fear that their past will dictate their future. These are often the people who unenthusiastically say “let’s see where this goes” though they’ve already decided they’re probably going to get hurt and therefore don’t fully engage in the dating process.
Similar to the 7/8, they often associate love with pain and write really good heartbreak songs and poetry. Their melancholy mystique often attracts many suitors even though they haven’t figured out how to let down their walls to let in those who would be good for them. Their biggest challenge is accepting help to turn their #BullshitIntoMulch, as their fear of being hurt isn’t reserved just for love interests — they often have a hard time with trust in general.
Because their challenges with trust aren't relationship specific, working with a therapist is usually the pre-requiste needed before they even consider working with a relationship coach or trying to find love on their own. Otherwise they usually spin in a repetitive cycle of attracting interested suitors and then ghosting (on either party’s part) when things get too close to becoming serious.
People who choose 3/4 don’t actually exist in the wild. To see a 3/4 means they’re really either a 1/2 who got lost toying with the idea of commitment (usually an open relationship-esque commitment). Or they’re mostly likely a 5/6/7/8 who recently got hurt...again. Since the pain is relatively fresh, they interpret their discomfort as a disinterest in a relationship, which isn’t actually the case.
They need to take some time for what I call #RelationshipRetrograde: Before we move forward into a new relationship, we need to take a recess from all parts of the dating process and retreat into ourselves in order to reconnect with our needs. To reflect on what we’ve learned. Replenish our energies. Remove the habits that no longer serve us. Reconsider our plans. Refocus our efforts and recommit to our goals and ourselves before we restart the process of commitment to someone else.
Relationship Retrograde is our gift to ourselves so that we don’t re-attract the same circumstances and situations that will lead to a repeat of our failed relationships. This usually helps them get clear on where they really fall on the scale. Relationship Retrograde can be done alone, in therapy, with a coach, or with someone you trust and works for anyone at any point on the scale.
You likely wouldn’t be reading this right now if you were in this group (unless someone on my email list showed it to you). People who are at 1/2 are usually clear that they don’t want a relationship and won’t let you be confused about their lack of desire for partnership. They generally prefer #Singledom and are happy with that preference. The only caveat to this is that occasionally someone higher up on the scale (5/6/7/8 etc) finds their way here shortly after a really bad breakup or traumatic romantic experience.
What's interesting to note here is that your level of response on the Relationship Desire Scale is really an indicator of your commitment to yourself and to the love you desire.
Your number tells us what percent of an investment you're currently willing to make in achieving your relationship goals. And here's the thing, Friend: you can't be 50%-60% invested but expect a 100% return. If you only do 50%-60% of the work it's still a failing grade.
You can't attract a partner who shows up 100% for you but you're not even showing up for yourself.
LOVE DOESN'T SHOW UP UNTIL YOU DO.
When asked if you want love the answer should really be either a clear “Hell Yes” (10) or a clear “Hell No” (1). Anything close to the middle is basically a cloudy living hell...as I'm sure you know from experience if you picked any number near there. If you aren’t whole-heartedly committed to your love goals you’re already cheating on yourself, and since we attract what we emit, we can guess what type of partner will be attracted if things stay the same.
I find that my soul mate clients are those in the 9/10 and 7/8 range. They're the ones I'm personally most able to help find love successfully. As such, I don't work anyone below a 7 on the Relationship Desire Scale because I can't want it for you more than you want it for yourself, My Love.
Think you might be one of my soul mate clients? Schedule your Dating Analysis with me and let’s see.
Love, Peace, and Glitter,