The Gay Dating Paradox: Why Men Struggle to Commit in Relationships

Dating fatigue is a common challenge many daters face. In this video, I explain the gay dating paradox, it's connection to dating fatigue, and why it's one of the primary causes of commitment issues.

Video Transcript:

Greetings and Salugaytions, friends. I'm Prince Amari, gay matchmaker, love coach, and hypnotherapist. And in this video, we're going to talk about dating fatigue and the paradox of romantic choice: why so many people struggle in the modern dating world.

The Primary Reason Anyone is Single

But before we jump into that, I want to remind everybody that the number one reason anyone is single is because they're trying to have a level 25 relationship with level three dating skills. And technically there are only about 12 dating skill levels.

You need to have around a level seven to really have the confidence and competence of an effective dater. And so it's easy to see why, if we have unrealistic expectations, because at level 25 is our ideal of the perfect relationship that no one's relationship ever actually measures up to, that we have unrealistic expectations.

And simultaneously, we don't have skills to sustain what is realistic. It's no surprise why many of us tend to struggle with relationships. So if you want to know what your estimated dating skill level is, I invite you to take the quiz at datingskillquiz.com, which you can also find in the link below or around the video, wherever it happens to be, based on where you're watching it.

Dating Fatigue in the Modern Dating World

So let's jump in. Dating fatigue. So if you have used dating apps, if you've used these modern ways to meet people, gone to lots of events, you know, met people, dating fatigue is probably something you've experienced where you get to the point where you're just like, I'm tired. Right?

Now the thing about dating fatigue is it’s not necessarily based on anything internal that you are struggling with. It's not based on your traumatic patterns. It's not based on any self-sabotage or anything like that. It is just a function of the sheer number of options we have. Which is something that 100 years ago, 50 years ago, 20 years ago even, was not a thing.

We had a few choices, a few options. We compared those few options, and then we made a decision and moved into a relationship with someone. But because we now have dating apps and our cities are bigger, we have so many more options and that creates a situation where we get exhausted. And this is just a psychological thing.

The Paradox of Choice

Whenever we have too many options, we will usually either delay making a decision. Or put off the decision altogether. And so in dating, if I'm swiping through a hundred profiles, there's no way a relatively reasonable person of average dating experience or skill or expertise is going to be able to handle the level of complexity with comparing a hundred different options all at once.

It's just not the way our brains work. We can handle about three to eight dating conversations at a time. We can compare about that many people, but when we have hundreds of people to choose from, to look at the different stats, the height, the weight, the beliefs, the values, like all these different things, there's so many different factors to consider that we just get overwhelmed and we don't make good choices.

And so, what is true is the more choices we have, the more unrealistic our expectations are when we, you know, are of average expertise in a situation. So think about it this way, if you are a wine connoisseur, right? You know all the things about wines, you can taste the wine, you can tell what grape it is, where it's from, right?

Like the age, like all that stuff matters. But if you don't know anything about wine, it's giving, it's sweet, it's a little not sweet. It's medium, maybe the flavor is a little different, but like, that's all you got. You can't handle the level of complexity based on all the different details just because you don't have that level of expertise on wine yet.

So for a beginner, for someone who just occasionally drinks, for someone, you know, who goes out and does it socially for fun, having three to six options to choose from is fine. A hundred things, I don't even know where to start to compare. And that's also true with the way that we date.

If we have too many options, we are more likely to regret the decision we make because we're like, “Oh, what if I missed out on something else?” And we are less satisfied with our choices because of that fear of missing out. So the fewer options we have (as long as we have a reasonable amount of them), the more satisfied we are with our choices and the more sure we are in the decision once we've made it.

Dealing with the Choice Overload

Now, there are technically two ways to improve our ability to date in this modern world with all these choices.

The first is to get clear on what you actually want and need, because what we tend to think is, “Oh, I don't specifically know what I want or need, but I'll know it when I see it…” but that is not actually how it works. You've likely tried this many a time didn't work. (That's why you're here, right?) That's not how it works.

The only way to deal with the complexity of choices is to know what you want before you even go, because your requirements, your needs, your expectations, specifically when they're realistic expectations are what will allow you to then sift out all the choices that don't matter anyway. And you'll naturally narrow it down to three to five choices.

But if you don't even know what you're looking for, what you need, or what makes someone compatible with you… If you don't understand all those criteria that make a relationship work for you or not, when you go into the dating process, it's going to be much more overwhelming because there are just too many choices.(One of the things we could do is just get rid of the dating gaps, but obviously they're probably not going to be going away anytime soon.)

So what we need to do is get clearer on what we want. This is the number one skill singles need to develop in order to have better relationships: quantifying, realistic, romantic expectations.

And then the other piece of this, the other thing that we can do is be mindful that every single relationship, every single person we're getting to know in a romantic way, we have to go through a period of adjustment. 

And so with more choices means when we run into that little, you know, shaky period that is going to happen in every relationship, we tend to abort going deeper and choose someone else. Cause we're like, “this little obstacle/speed bump…I'd rather be with someone where there are no obstacles and no speed bump,” which is an unrealistic expectation. 

Literally the person who is excellent for you, you're still going to have those times where you either argue or have a little conflict. You don't agree on everything. You're not always going to see eye to eye, but conflict is a tool for deeper connection. And having so many options without being clear on what we're looking for and what we want, means the moment we hit conflict, we tend to abandon the experience with that person, even though they could have been great for us.

The Need for Weighted Options

So because we don't necessarily know what we want and what we need and what is realistic and workable for us, we tend to say yes to the wrong people because the D and the B is good, even if everything else is kind of shaky. Or we say no to the right people because all the extra stuff isn’t there. “I feel relatively safe. I'm comfortable or whatever, but all these other features, the bells and whistles, this other person has.”

We don't realize that the bells and whistles are not comparable to our non-negotiables. And so with all these options, without that clarity of knowing what we want, we tend to give all the options equal weight.

And so you meet someone who's great: great personality. Their values align with yours. They have the capacity to meet your needs. Your temperaments are synergistic. Like all those things are there. They don't have any of your deal breakers and yet you are giving them equal weight to this other person who's clearly toxic for you, is not returning your texts, is very inconsistent, doesn't communicate. All those other things. But when they do show up, the body is #bodying and maybe the sex is great— but you're also on edge and insecure about the relationship and yet you're like, “Which one do I pick?”

It's not even a comparison when you know that you're looking for a healthy, happy, sustainable relationship and you know the qualities that you need, but if you don't know that, those choices are going to seem very comparable and that is going to lead you to that place of, “Ooh, which one do I choose? I'm going to say no to this one and go with this one.”

And then it doesn't work out. And then you think that the problem is the other person, right? When in reality, the problem is you weren't clear on what you wanted and needed. So all these options are just adding to the confusion.

When You’re Clear but They Aren’t…

Another problem with so many options is that you might actually be clear on what you want—you might have clarified your needs, your deal breakers, your preferences—you were clear on all those things as you were navigating the dating process. You find someone who fits what you were looking for.

You ask them questions and it's clear that you fit what they're looking for too, it’s a mutual match based on the conversation that you had. However, the other person is not clear on what they want. The other person doesn't have the level of specificity in what actually is going to work for them or not. 

And so you start to prioritize them in your life because it seems like a mutual fit to you, but they are still seeing you as an option compared to everyone else because they don't have the level of clarity that you have. And it's not because they're a bad person. There is nothing wrong with them. There’s nothing wrong with you. It is literally the exhaustion of choice fatigue and the lack of clarity around what they want and need that creates the situation where you might be really compatible, but the relationship is unable to move forward because you're only dating them, but they're dating five other people (plus all the matches and conversations they’re still having on the dating apps).

And so it is not at a mutual level of ability or availability to move forward because they’ve got too many windows open. Remember that computer analogy: too many tabs, too many windows, and how it slows computer down versus when there’s just the one? That incompatibility is not really a values thing or a qualities thing. It's just the choices have overwhelmed this person and they're just unable to move forward and that's not your fault, but it…it sucks. Pardon my English. Y'all know what I was about to say. It effing sucks when you are in that situation. 

Again, I invite you to take the dating skill quiz at datingskillquiz.com.

And let me know what you think about this. What other issues do you notice gay men face in the dating experience? What other challenges have you faced that come up over and over? Do you agree with what I said? Do you disagree? Whatever it is, let me know in the comments and I will see you guys next time.

Sending you love, peace, and glitter!

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Amari Ice is a relationship coach, matchmaker, and hypnotherapist who helps gay men master their romantic magic by developing their dating skills, healing subconscious patterns of self-sabotage, and enhancing their romantic magnetism so that love becomes inevitable.